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Infidelity may be ubiquitous, but the way we make meaning of it—how we define it, experience it, and talk about it—is ultimately linked to the particular time and place where the drama unfolds.In contemporary discourse in the United States, affairs are primarily described in terms of the damage caused.Generally, there is much concern for the agony suffered by the betrayed.And agony it is—infidelity today isn’t just a violation of trust; it’s a shattering of the grand ambition of romantic love.From Pittsburgh to Buenos Aires, Delhi to Paris, I have been conducting an open-ended survey about infidelity.Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, yet this extremely common act remains poorly understood.We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability.And we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk.

In Paris, the topic brings an immediate frisson to a dinner conversation, and I note how many people have been on both sides of the story.

We expect comfort and edge, familiarity and novelty, continuity and surprise.

We have conjured up a new Olympus, where love will remain unconditional, intimacy enthralling, and sex oh so exciting, with one person, for the long haul. We also live in an age of entitlement; personal fulfillment, we believe, is our due.

We should be best friends and trusted confidants, and passionate lovers to boot.

Contained within the small circle of the wedding band are vastly contradictory ideals.